Postpartum Depression

Four Months Old- I love this photo!

I discovered the other day how much of my daughter's first 18 months I lost.  I found an "old" video on my husband's phone of her eating her first ice cream cone.  She was 14 months old, and the CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!  Tears came to my eyes when I realized, "I don't remember this adorable child. Why don't I remember her being so cute?  She was wonderful, perfect, and so sweet!"

(I am crying even as I write this, mourning for the loss of those precious months that I can't recall.)

I actually remember "faking" this smile.

I knew I had PPD (postpartum depression) after about 4 months (but it was there from the moment she was born), was put on medication at 6 months, and went off the meds at about 13 months, because I didn't feel any different. (I now know that the medication I was on is not nearly as effective for PPD patients as most of the other drugs out there.)

  Here's what I do remember from my daughter's first year-and-a-half: a screaming, angry, irritating infant who had infinite needs and very few happy times.  I remember screaming at her "STOP IT, JUST STOP IT!" Then I would hold her and cry, saying how sorry I was that I was such a terrible mommy, and how I wish she had a different mommy.  It was horrible.  Very few people know how bad it was, because I didn't want anyone to know that I hated being a mommy, and that I couldn't take care of myself or my child the way I truly wanted.  It was torture, every day, being alone with her and afraid that I would fail her.  I didn't want to hurt her, but there were times when I had 'visions' of a knife falling off the counter on her, or her falling out of my arms and down the stairs, or even of her being stuck in the dryer.  I was rational enough to know that of course those things weren't going to happen, but the classic "what ifs" kept creeping back into my head. 

Having Type 1 diabetes increases my risk dramatically, so we knew it was a possibility before we had my daughter, but we had no idea how horrible it could be.

I felt like such a zombie.  I didn't want to hold her.  I hated nursing her, because I had to hold her then.  I didn't want to snuggle her, or kiss her, and I had a very difficult time even getting out of bed.  It wasn't that bad every day, but most days.  I felt no emotion. None.  No extreme happiness nor extreme sadness.  I just was numb. 

Once I snapped out of it (around her 18-month age), I couldn't get enough of her.  I squeeze her constantly, kiss her, hold her, tell her how amazing she is, play with her, smell her (something I couldn't stand to do before).  I take naps with her just so I can watch her sleep.  I am so in love with this child, and I am so angry that I was robbed of her infancy.  

When we considered having a second child, one of the first things on both my and my husband's mind was "medication".  He kept saying, "be sure you talk to your doctors about this" and I couldn't have agreed more.  PPD was like a horrible black shadow over our family for almost two years, and I never, ever, EVER want to go through that again. 

The plan is that upon delivery (and possibly even a week or two before) I will take "real" medication to help with this horrible disorder.  

I write this not so anyone will pity me, or look differently at me, but because I know there are other moms out there going through the same thing.  More than anything, I wish I had insisted on stronger medication, stopped faking that I was doing fine, and been honest with my doctor. You don't have to feel this way- I have known many moms who love being a new mommy, who enjoy every minute, who feel on top of the world.  I truly wish that had been the case for me, and if it's not the case for you, talk to a good doctor and get help.