"I'm Offended"

Recently I did something kind for someone. Let's call her Alice. I wanted to throw a party for Alice because I love her. So I enlisted the help of some other women who love Alice. We did this for Alice. I handed out the invitations at church, and of course gave one to Alice's daughter.

I received a phone call later that day from Alice's daughter, named Sharon, who told me she was "highly offended" that I would do this for Alice and not tell her. Mind you, I am doing the thing for Alice because I wanted to do something for ALICE. Alice does not live with her daughter. Her daughter has no time or ability to do this for Alice, so I stepped in and did it. BECAUSE I LOVE ALICE.

Sharon went on and on explaining how offended she was that she wasn't told about the party in advance.

Obviously, I apologized for my not telling her in advance, but I also said that I would never have been offended by someone doing something for my mom and not telling me. It just wouldn't offend me since I was going to be invited and I didn't have to do any of the work! Yes! GO ahead and do it and keep me out of it! That way I can enjoy the party and not have to bear the burden of doing it. 
But apparently, I am cut from different cloth.

Anyways, I was thinking about it afterwards because of course I was REALLY upset that she could call me and tell me how much I hurt her by not telling her and how I was wrong to not tell her, etc. etc. etc. I felt betrayed and unappreciated. But then my husband said, "You did nothing wrong. She is feeling guilty."  And you know what? He is RIGHT. Her guilt for not doing anything, for not throwing the party herself, for how it might look to others that she isn't doing it, HER GUILT caused her 'offense'. She wasn't offended....she was cut by her own guilt, and she doesn't even know it.

Such is guilt. We hate the way it feels, and most of the time we immediately try to deflect it to someone or something else. We are ashamed, but we don't want to feel that the problem is actually internal, so we find a scapegoat.

I am not offended easily.  I just almost never am offended. Because I take what people say to heart and examine myself to see if their words were warranted. If not, then I forgive them and move on. If so, then I try to change.

But to be "easily offended" is not the pattern of Christ. It is the pattern of self-justification, of being better than those around you, of being perfect (or at least thinking you are). 

I have decided that people are more precious to me than my feelings. I would rather not be offended, and assume the best in everyone. I would rather think that they love me, that they don't want to hurt me, and that maybe they just unintentionally messed up. So I let it go, and move on.

When you are offended and feel the need to tell someone, look inside before telling them how much they upset you. Because chances are, it was unintentional, they didn't mean to upset you, and you are going to hurt them with your assumptions that they intentionally hurt you. 

YOU WILL DO MORE HARM BY CONFRONTING SOMEONE, TELLING THEM THEY OFFENDED YOU, THAN YOU WILL BY SWALLOWING YOUR LUMPY PRIDE AND GETTING OVER YOURSELF.

Be like Christ. Forgive. Don't hold negative thoughts about others. Swallow your pride. And get over yourself.

<3
Rachael
 

Lows and Life

Tonight during bible study, I had a low.  I'm not sure how low my bg went, but it was low enough that I lost muscle control and was unable to speak more than grunting.  I had seizure-like shaking.  This is just one of the ugly sides of Type 1 diabetes.  It is embarrassing, to be unable to form words, even though your brain is shouting them.  Losing control of your arms and legs is scary  and disturbing for bystanders, especially the first time they see it.  I knew it was coming.  I felt it in time to go "hide" in the nursery. It is exactly like watching someone going through a seizure while conscious.  I started bawling because that is just what happens as my  emotions are as uncontrollable as my limbs.  My husband brought me a bottle of water, which I was unable to hold since I couldn't move my hands, let alone grasp something.  He had to hold it to my mouth so I could drink. My speech was choppy and hesitant: "I.......tried.......to.....uhgghh." I grasped the arms of my chair as tightly as I could to try to stop the shaking, to no avail...the chair just shook more violently.  This went on and on and on, despite a banana, protein bar and glucose tablets.  I couldn't believe the incompetence of my body.  I couldn't believe my friends had to see this ridiculous flesh acting so foolishly. It made me cry harder, my pride being stripped away. This is not me.  I tried to speak and the words wouldn't come. Frustrated and angry, I tried again to stop the incessant shaking.  Stupid body.  Stupid diabetes.  This isn't me. This isn't me.

And then it was over.  The glucose I had been given finally got to my brain. I regained control of my hands, then arms, legs, feet.  After a few minutes my speech returned, haltingly.  Sometimes it takes a while....there is a lag between the glucose in my bloodstream and the glucose that makes my brain function.  And that makes me insane.  I hate the loss of control.  I hate the feeling of being trapped in my body.  I hate not being able to speak. And I hate that my husband, friends, and daughters have to see me like this.  But this is diabetes.  This is the disease that turns a happy, vibrant, laughing, talkative woman into a paralyzed, convusing, babbling, sobbing mess. This is my disease, but it is not who I am.  This diabetes isn't me.

The Organic Hypocrite

I have a bachelor's degree in biology (thus the title of my blog) and therefore have always been concerned with things having to do with the human body and the environment around us.
Before I had children, I did not worry about the types of foods I ate, other than limiting carbohydrates due to my Type 1 diabetes.
Once I saw those tiny, precious toes and kissable teeny lips, though, my attitude changed.  I stopped purchasing grocery store meat, and switched to organic produce, whenever possible.  I choose uncured bacon (even though it is not organic/all natural) and stopped buying hot dogs.  Organic milk, free range eggs, chicken from a farmer.   McDonald's is the evil of all evils.  Juice Plus+ was the supplement of choice.
Those were all really good, honorable choices, and I don't regret them.  However, some are simply not sustainable. And by sustainable, I don't mean the buzzword for all things green and crunchy.  I mean actually practical in daily living.

When organic milk rose to $6/gallon, I stopped buying it.
When I couldn't find a farmer that raised free-range pork, I stopped buying it.
When local hens aren't laying in the winter, I buy store eggs.
When I couldn't find free-range chicken for under $9/pound, I stopped buying it.
When the local produce stand or farmer's market has gorgeous red tomatoes that I am sure are pesticide-laden, I still buy them.
When I want a hot dog/bratwurst (and I mean the regular, fatty, preservative-filled ones), I buy them.
When I can't find organic strawberries, I buy the lethally-coated ones.
When my girls wanted an ice cream cone after a special event, we got one at McDonald's.
When our grocery bill was over $1000/month because of organics, I cut back and started shopping Aldi.(one of my very favorite stores, with a huge selection of organics and naturals now!)
When I can't get a ham that's hormone-free and vegetarian fed, I buy a honey glazed one anyway.
When I couldn't bake my own bread, cakes, or muffins from scratch, I use a boxed mix....whatever is on sale. (Don't tell.)

I do still purchase my beef from a local farmer, and I hope that never has to change.  I still have a box of organic produce delivered to my doorstep twice a month.  One of my students brings me gorgeous eggs from her chickens. In other words, I am trying. I am trying to keep GMOs and pesticides out of our food, but I can't always do it. And I don't apologize for being an Organics proponent, a hormone-free-fighter, a local Farm supporter.  But I am a hypocrite when I buy a bottle of ketchup or shelf-stable cookies. I am a hypocrite when I choose a drive-thru over a sandwich with uncured ham at home. And I do feel guilty.  I feel like I am poisoning myself and my children. But then I remember the million-and-one other ways I am protecting them, nurturing them, and shaping them into young women, and I don't feel so bad over a toxic small fry.

Tulips and treasures

For just a few weeks every year, my eldest picks every flower she can find and brings it to me.  Daffodils. Wild violets. Tulips.  At first I wasn't sure I wanted our yards stripped bare, but then I realized she was bringing me gifts for the sheer joy of it.  She was, quite literally, spreading joy. 
Don't be afraid to cut your flowers.  I don't get to cherish them if they aren't brought in, and you certainly will enjoy them more in a vase on your table than  the passersby will.

My life isn't perfect. But it's mine.

I don't know when it happened...whether between the endless poopy messes, spilled water, screaming about which color cup should temporarily hold said water, or what color socks can be worn on Tuesday that were not okay on Monday, and which shoes to wear with which socks, no you may not wear flip flops in January!
But somewhere inbetween the tantrums and tears, bruises and scrapes, messes and oopsies, I lost who I was.  Maybe some moms don't, but I did.  I forgot who I was and I became Mommy Robot. 
This year has been a year of rediscovering who I am and who I want to be, with the help of my God and Savior.  My husband has been so supportive and has encouraged me.  I am still trying to complete the transition back from just Mommy to Woman, but I am making progress.

I returned to teaching at a college-style school where I teach part-time.  My students are in grades two through twelve.  Yes, quite a spread. :-) My eldest attends kindergarten there, and my youngest is in childcare there as well.  It couldn't be more perfect.
My first love, even before my husband, was teaching. Having it back in my life after a five-year sabbatical, has done wonders for my self-image.
I am not, in any way, advocating for mothers to return to the workforce.  Your job at home is infinitely more valuable.  But for me, it was time to spread my wings a bit.  I have had to sacrifice some freedom, some time with friends, and have gained stress, but it has added some stimulation I needed.

Secondly, I sell things on eBay.  This does not really supplement our income, but it is a hobby that makes some money, so I see that as a win. I enjoy sifting through yard sales and thrift stores for interesting finds.  I get my shopping fix and it more than pays for itself.  Fun!  Of course, my kids are old enough that they don't scream and cry in the stores anymore, so that helps make it more enjoyable.  And I find some amazing deals for our family too.  I have several new with tags items in my closet from a thrift store that I could never have purchased at retail!

Third, I host a Bible study once a week.  This is for my girlfriends who want to connect and discuss our Father.  It is very comforting to meet every week and study together. 

Finally, I am hopping back on this blogging train.  I have missed putting myself on "paper" and I am thankful to feel like writing again.  Even if no one ever reads these words, at least I have written them.

So this is my life (outside of kids and hubster and home and kitchen and grocery store and doctor's offices.....you get it).
It's not perfect....but it's mine.

SPRINGTIME!

Just a few gorgeous reminders that spring is here....and God is Good ALL THE TIME.  And yes, the daffodils were a gift from my eldest lovely girl.  She delights in bringing them to me. 

Changing our View of the World (AKA The drama of window replacement)

Yesterday we had new windows installed.  Almost all of them....that's over 40 windows.  It was a huge undertaking, and an enormous expense.  I don't say "investment" because that would mean we hope to get a profit off it one day.  Not going to happen, for two reasons.  #1- We aren't planning on selling our house anytime soon and #2- no one would pay us more than $25,000 for windows. And we would need to make more than that.  Yes, it was ridiculous, the amount we paid.  However, we had to do it.
Here are some examples why:

These windows were shot. 20 years of neglect, abuse, and an empty house had ruined them. We knew we wanted new ones when we bought the trash dump  house four years ago, but it took time (and money) to be able to.  Fortunately, due to a generous home equity loan and two-year same as cash financing through Home Depot, we were able to go ahead with the best replacement windows for the cost, IMHO, Andersen 100 series.
These windows are made from Fibrex, a wood-vinyl composite material that has all the benefits of both materials, without the drawbacks.  Plus, they are extremely efficient, are coated with a dirt-repelling substance, and are GORGEOUS.
I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to open every window without banging on it repeatedly and giving up. (That may have happened a few times around here with our old wood ones.)
We chose the Home Depot because they offer a lifetime (as long as you are in the house) installation warranty.  This is extremely important, because the installation has so much impact on the performance of the windows.

Now, before I sound like a commercial for the Home Depot or Andersen (they aren't paying me for this review...yet...hint, hint!)  let me tell you a few negatives:
1) They are extremely expensive.

2) They do not offer a lifetime warranty on the window frames- it is 10 years.

3) The frames are wider than wood, and wider than Renewals by Andersen, the higher-end product.
4) They do not tilt in for cleaning- and are single-hung rather than double.  This was okay with us because we didn't care about double-hungs.  See #3 below...
5) They are extremely expensive.

Here are some benefits:

1) They are beautiful.  No seams, weird molding or ugly hardware.  They have a very stately look, and not the cheapy look of vinyl.

2) They are made with the high efficiency glass (hardly lets any UV rays through) and coated with a protective coating that actually reduces the need for cleaning. See #4 above.
3) They do not tilt in.  This is actually (unbeknownst to most of the general public) an advantage.  First, trying to tilt in 25 pound windows (at the smallest- most of ours are over 40 pounds each sash!) does not sound fun to me.  I can see myself trying to hold it up as I wipe it down and my two-year-old is clinging to my leg while my five-year-old is screaming "MOMMY! I AM HURT!" Not a pretty picture.  I think the window might just get smashed. Also, tilting the windows in to wash them weakens the hardware and they often will get off track, which requires adjustment.  Not something I want to get involved with.  Secondly, tilt-wash windows are only held into the frame by the two plastic clips. Although they are strong, anyone wanting to get in could easily kick at the clips and break them, thereby removing the entire sash.  We have about 20 ground-level windows.  I would rather have thieves have to come through a broken glass thank-you-very-much.  Finally, single hung windows have about a 25% discount over double. Thanks. We'll take it.  And, they look identical to double-hungs, by the way.
4) The frames are virtually indestructible.
5) Home Depot offers a lifetime glass breakage guarantee.  Bring on the baseball!
6) They do not leak air.
7) I cannot see the outside light coming in around the frame.
8) Our home will be infinitely more cool in summer, warm in winter without all those breezes through the gaps.
9) They are just plain gorgeous.

So there you have it.  We actually had about 10 window salespeople in for interviews, and decided to go with Home Depot. We saw every reputable window company in the area. You can read about that insanity here.



Andersen 100 series- here are some shots of the completed windows- GORGEOUS, DAHHLING, JUST GORGEOUS!